Funniest Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin
1. Mulla Nasrudin in the upper berth was awakened by a persistent tapping from below. ”I am terribly cold down here. I wonder if you mind getting me a blanket,” said a lady’s voice. ”I have a better idea,” the Mulla replied sleepily. ”Let’s pretend we are married.” ”That sounds like a lovely idea,” she giggled.
”GOOD,” said Nasrudin rolling over. ’NOW GO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET.”
2. Mulla Nasrudin constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, ”It could have been worse.” To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Nasrudin could find no hope in it.
Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, ”Mulla, Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself!” ”Terrible,” said the Mulla ”But it could have been worse.”
”How in hell,” asked his dumbfounded friend, ”could it possibly have been worse?”
”Well,” said Nasrudin, ”IF IT HAD HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE! I WOULD BE DEAD NOW.”
3.Mulla Nasrudin was round at his fiancee’s home, having a serious talk with her father.”Sir, I’d like to marry your daughter,” he announced .
His girl’s father looked at him.”Have you seen my wife yet?” he asked.
”OH, YES SIR,” replied Nasrudin. ”BUT IF YOU DON’T MIND, I WOULD STILL PREFER YOUR DAUGHTER, SIR.”
4.Mulla Nasrudin was in the home of his fiancee, being given the once-over by her parents.
”Tell me young man,” said his potential mother-in-law, ”if my daughter marries you, and I give her a substantial dowry, what have you to offer in return?”
The Mulla smiled brightly. ”I WILL GIVE YOU A RECEIPT,” he said
5. It was their first quarrel. The Mulla was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
”Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom. ”Your mother is a nagger. and your brother is an idle layabout.”
”Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
”YES, JUST ONE,” replied Nasrudin. ”THEY WERE ALL OPPOSED TO OUR MARRIAGE.”
6. After each drink Mulla Nasrudin took a frog from his pocket, put it on the bar counter and stared at it. Eventually the barman asked him what he was up to.
”You see,” said the Mulla, ”so long as I can see one frog I am sober. It’s when I see two that I have to do something.”
”And what do you do?”
”I PICK UP THE TWO OF THEM,” said Nasrudin, ”PUT THEM IN MY POCKET AND GO HOME.”
7. Mulla Nasrudin was always too busy to he with his family. His excuse was that he had to keep on making more money. One day his wife’s pet parrot died and she brought another one, although the pet-store man told her
it was from a tough gambling joint that had been closed down.
The bird was likely to say anything, coming from a place where there were booze and girls and burns. ”It’s right,” said the wife, ”I will retrain him.”
She brought the bird home, and upon arrival found to her surprise that her husband was already home. She carried the caged bird into the house, called out ”Surprise!” and with her husband and daughters looking on, she took the cover off the cage.
The parrot looked around, blinked, and said,
”WELL WADDDYA KNOW – NEW JOINT, NEW MADAM, NEW GIRLS, SAME OLD CUSTOMERS. HELLO, NASRUDIN!”
8 Mulla Nasrudin went into a chemist’s shop to get an empty bottle. Choosing one that suited his needs, he asked the price.
”Well,” said the chemist, ”if you want the empty bottle it will cost six cents, but if you have something put into it, we won’t charge anything for the bottle.”
”OK,” said Nasrudin, ”PUT IN A CORK.”
9. Mother-in-law: ”My daughter has given you the best years of her life.”
Mulla Nasrudin: ”THEN I DREAD TO THINK OF WHAT THE WORST ONES ARE GOING TO BE LIKE.”
10. I have lost my wallet,” said Mulla Nasrudin.
”Have you looked into your pockets?” asked his wife.
”Yes, all but the left hand hip pocket ”Well, why don’t you look in that?”
”BECAUSE IF IT IS NOT THERE I WILL DROP DEAD.”
11. Mulla Nasrudin’s father was reprimanding his son for being a lazy good-for-nothing. ”When I was your age,” he said, ”I worked sixteen hours a day to learn the business.”
”I am very proud of you, Dad,” replied Mulla Nasrudin. ”IF IT HAD NOT BEEN FOR YOUR AMBITION AND PERSEVERANCE, I MIGHT HAVE: HAD TO DO THE SAME.”
12 Mulla Nasrudin took his young son to the cinema, but only bought one ticket. The usherette pointed out that he needed a ticket for the boy, and Nasrudin said, ”I GIVE YOU MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN HE WON’T LOOK.”
13 Mulla Nasrudin and the local priest were always fighting and arguing, and eventually they finished up in court.
After listening to evidence from bath sides, the magistrate said, ”I feel sure that this can be settled amicably. Shake hands with each other, and say something for good will.”
The priest shook Nasrudin’s hand and said, ”I wish for you what you wish for me.” ”See, Your Honour,” said the Mulla. ”HE’S STARTING AGAIN.”
14 Mulla Nasrudin and his wife went to Israel for their holidays, and visited a night club in Tel Aviv. A comedian was on the bill who did his whole act in Hebrew. Nasrudin’s wife sat through the comic’s act in silence, but Nasrudin roared with laughter at the end of each joke.
”I didn’t know you understood Hebrew,” she said to the Mulla when the comedian had concluded his act.
”I don’t” replied Nasrudin.
”Well, how come you laughed so much at his jokes?”
”AH, said Nasrudin. ”I TRUSTED HIM.”
15 Mulla Nasrudin stopped his wife from jumping off a bridge. ”If you jump in,” he pleaded, ”I will have to jump in after you. It’s awfully cold and while we are waiting for the ambulance we will both get pneumonia and die. NOW, PLEASE, BE A GOOD WIFE AND COME HOME AND HANG YOURSELF.”
16 ”My father,” boasted Mulla Nasrudin in the train, ”knew the year, the month and the hour he was going to die.”
”Good gracious!” exclaimed one of the audience. ”How did he know that?”
”THE JUDGE TOLD HIM,” said Nasrudin.
17 Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were talking about their face resemblances.
First: ”My face resembles that of Winston Churchill. I have often been mistaken for him.”
Second: ”In my case, people think I am President Nixon and ask me for my autograph.”
Mulla Nasrudin: ”That’s nothing. Well, in my case I have been mistaken for God himself!”
First and Second together: ”How?”
Mulla Nasrudin ”Well, when I was convicted and sent to jail the fourth time, the jailer, on seeing me,
exclaimed: ”OH, GOD, YOU HAVE COME AGAIN!”
18 Mulla Nasrudin was picked up in another state and brought back home after a terrific battle to stay extradition. The judge, viewing him sternly, launched a loud attack upon his character and conduct.
”I cannot conceive a meaner, more despicable, cowardly act than yours,” he said in conclusion. ”You have run away from your wife. Do you know what this makes you? Do you realize that you are a deserter?”
”YOUR HONOUR,” said the Mulla, ”If YOU KNEW THAT LADY AS I KNOW HER YOU WOULD NOT CALL ME A DESERTER. I AM, IF ANY THING, A REFUGEE.”
19 ”Funny you have not been to see me before!” the doctor barked at Mulla Nasrudin. ”Have you consulted any other doctor about your condition?”
”No, Sir,” stammered the Mulla. ”Only the chemist.”
”Good Heavens, man,” snorted the doctor, ’Have no sense? This just shows how stupid people can be! The chemist is not medically qualified – you had right to consult him! And what nonsense did he tell you?”
”HE TOLD ME TO COME AND SEE YOU,” said Nasrudin.
20 Mulla Nasrudin visited the doctor to complain of insomnia.
”Don’t you sleep at all in the night?” asked the doctor.
”Oh, I sleep like a top at night,” admitted the Mulla, ”and I sleep fairly soundly during the mornings.
BUT I OFTEN HAVE DIFFICULTY DROPPING OFF IN THE AFTERNOONS.
21 Doctor: ”Was that slimming diet I recommended to your wife satisfactory?” Mulla Nasrudin: ”VERY. THREE WEEKS AGO SHE DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY!”
22 Mulla Nasrudin was attempting to smuggle a jar of whiskey across the border of his country. When
asked what the jar contained, he said, ”Holy Water.”
The Customs officer insisted on opening it and taking a sniff.
Good God, man, this is whiskey! he said
”SAINTS BE PRAISED!” cried the Mulla. ”A MIRACLE!”
23 A preacher was giving a sermon on the dangers of drinking and driving.
”Remember, my friends,” he said to the assembled congregation, ”whiskey and petrol don’t mix.”
”They do,” muttered Mulla Nasrudin at the back of the mosque to his neighbour, ”BUT THEY TASTE AWFUL.”
24 ”Is there any reason why the board should not draft you into the army, Mulla?”
”Yes, I have defective eyesight,” said Mulla Nasrudin.
”Are you able to substantiate that claim?”
”WELL – HERE’S A PHOTOGRAPH OF MY WIFE.”
25 Mulla nasrudin rushed into a pub and said, ”Quick…. gimme a treble whiskey and two pints of the best bitter! I must have a drink before the trouble starts!”
The startled barman hastily poured the drinks which the Mulla downed in a trice. ”Now then,” said the barman, ”what’s all this about? When is the trouble going to start?”
”RIGHT NOW!” answered Nasrudin. ”I CAN’T PAY FOR MY DRINKS!”
26.Mulla Nasrudin’s wife had difficulty getting to sleep and, at three o’clock in the morning, she awoke the Mulla and said, ”Mulla, you never make love to me like you did when we got married forty years ago.”
”Please, Darling,” answered the Mulla, ”I have got a busy day tomorrow. Go to sleep.
”But,” she persisted, ”you used to be a romantic. You used to bite me on the fingers, on my neck, on my ears – Why don’t you do it any more?”
”Darling,” the Mulla explained wearily, ”such nonsense is for newly-weds. We are too old.”
”Just once you should bite me like you did forty years ago.” right,’ said the Mulla, as he got out of bed yawning.
”But where are you going?” asked his wife.
”TO THE BATHROOM FOR MY TEETH,” said Nasrudin.
27 When Mulla Nasrudin was ninety, he was asked how he had managed to have such a long life, ”I believe,” said the Mulla, ”that it’s due to the fact that I never smoked, drank or touched a girl – UNTIL I WAS NINE YEARS OF AGE.”
28 Before his death, Mulla Nasrudin wrote this will.
”The law prescribes that my dependents must receive certain fixed proportions of my possessions and money.
”I HAVE NOTHING: LET THIS BE DIVIDED ACCORDANCE WITH THE ARITHMETICAL FORMULAE OF THE LAW. THAT WHICH IS LEFT OVER IS TO BE GIVEN TO THE POOR.”
29 Mulla Nasrudin was looking over greeting cards.
The salesman said, ”Here’s a nice one – ”TO THE ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED.”
”WONDERFUL,” said Nasrudin. ”I WILL TAKE SIX.”
30 ”What do you want with your old letters?” the girl asked her ex-boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin. ”I have given you back your ring. Do you think I am going to use your letters to sue you or something?”
”OH, NO,” said Nasrudin, ”IT’S NOT THAT. I PAID A FELLOW TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS TO WRITE THEM FOR ME AND I MAY WANT TO USE THEM OVER AGAIN.”
31 Mulla Nasrudin said to his girlfriend. ”What do you say we do something different tonight, for a change?”
”O.K.,” she said. ”What do you suggest?”
”YOU TRY TO KISS ME,” said Nasrudin, ”AND I WILL SLAP YOUR FACE!”
32 ”What’s the best way to teach a girl to swim?” a friend asked Mulla Nasrudin.
”First you put your left arm around her waist,” said the Mulla. ”Then you gently take her left hand and…”
”She’s my sister,” interrupted the friend.
”OH, THEN PUSH HER OFF THE DOCK,” said Nasrudin.
33. ”Did you know I am a hero?” said Mulla Nasrudin to his friends in the teahouse. ”How come you’re a hero?” asked someone.
”Well, it was my girlfriend’s birthday,” said the Mulla, ”and she said if I ever brought her a gift she would just drop dead in sheer joy. So, I DIDN’T BUY HER ANY AND SAVED HER LIFE.”
34 Mulla Nasrudin stood quietly at the bedside of his dying father. ”Please, my boy,” whispered the old man, ”always remember that wealth does not bring happiness.”
”YES, FATHER,” said Nasrudin, ”I REALIZE THAT BUT AT LEAST IT WILL ALLOWME TO CHOOSE THE KIND OF MISERY I FIND MOST AGREEABLE.”
35 Mulla Nasrudin complained to the doctor about the size of his bill.
”But, Mulla,” said the doctor, ”You must remember that I made eleven visits to your home for you.”
”YES,” said Nasrudin, ”BUT YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTING THAT I INFECTED THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD.”
36 ”We want a responsible man for this job,” said the employer to the applicant, Mulla Nasrudin.
”Well, I guess I am just your man,” said Nasrudin.
”NO MATTER WHERE I WORKED, WHENEVER ANYTHING WENT WRONG, THEY TOLD ME I WAS RESPONSIBLE, Sir.”
37 The barber asked Mulla Nasrudin, ”How did you lose your hair, Mulla?”
”Worry,” said Nasrudin.
”What did you worry about?” asked the barber.
”ABOUT LOSING MY HAIR,” said Nasrudin.
38. You sure look depressed,” a fellow said to Mulla Nasrudin. ”What’s the trouble?”
”Well,” said the Mulla, ”you remember my aunt who just died. I was the one who had her confined to the mental hospital for the last five years of her life. When she died, she left me all her money. NOW I HAVE GOT TO PROVE THAT SHE WAS OF SOUND MIND WHEN SHE MADE HER WILL SIX WEEKS AGO.
39 ”My grandfather,” bragged one fellow in the teahouse, ’lived to be ninety-nine and never used glasses.”
”WELL,” said Mulla Nasrudin, ”LOTS OF PEOPLE WOULD RATHER DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE.”
40 Mulla Nasrudin had finished his political speech and answering questions. ”One question, Sir, if I may,” said a man down front you ever drink alcoholic beverages?”
”BEFORE I ANSWER THAT,” said Nasrudin, ”I’D LIKE TO KNOW IF IT’S IN THE NATURE OF AN INQUIRY OR AN INVITATION.”
41 Mulla Nasrudin who had worked hard on his speech was introduced and given his place at the microphone.
He stood there for half a minute completely speechless and then said, ”The human mind is the most wonderful device in the world. It starts working the instant you are born and never stops working
night or day for your entire life – UNTIL THE MOMENT YOU STAND UP TO MAKE A SPEECH.
42.”Mulla, you look sad,” said a friend. ”What is the matter?”
”I had an argument with my wife,” said the Mulla ”and she swore she would not talk to me for 30 days.”
”Well, you should be very happy,” said the first.
”HAPPY?” said Mulla Nasrudin. ”THIS IS THE 30TH DAY.”
43 Mulla Nasrudin was sitting in a station smoking, when a woman came in, and sitting beside him, remarked: ”Sir, if you were a gentleman, you would not smoke here!”
”Mum,” said the Mulla, ”if ye was a lady ye’d sit farther away.”
Pretty soon the woman burst out again:
”If you were my husband, I’d given you poison!”
”WELL, MUM,” returned Nasrudin, as he puffed away at his pipe, ”IF YOU WERE ME WIFE, I’D TAKE IT.”
44 Once Mulla Nasrudin was asked what he considered to be a perfect audience. ”Oh, to me,” said Nasrudin, ”the perfect audience is one that is well educated, highly intelligent –AND JUST A LITTLE BIT DRUNK.”
45. The editor of the town weekly received this letter from Mulla Nasrudin:
”Dear Sir: Last week I lost my watch which I valued highly. The next day I ran an ad in your paper. Yesterday, I went home and found the watch in the pocket of my brown suit. YOUR PAPER IS WONDERFUL!”
46 Mulla Nasrudin, a distraught father, visiting his son in a prison waiting room, turned on him and said:
”I am fed up with you. Look at your record: attempted robbery, attempted robbery, attempted burglary, attempted murder. WHAT A FAILURE YOU HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE; YOU CAN’T SUCCEED IN ANYTHING YOU TRY.”
47. A man who has been married for ten years complained one day to his friend Mulla Nasrudin. ”When we were first married,” he said, ”I was very happy. I would come home from a hard day at the office.
My little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now after ten years, everything has changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!”
”I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT,” said Nasrudin. ”YOU ARE STILL GETTING THE SAME SERVICE, ARE YOU NOT?”
48 Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally passed out and fell to the floor. The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital. When he came to, the doctor asked him, ”Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?”
”Nope,” groaned the patient.
”No snakes or alligators?” the doctor asked.
”Nope,” the drunk said.
”Then just sleep it off and you will be all right in the morning,” said the doctor.
But Mulla Nasrudin was worried. ”LOOK, DOCTOR.” he said, ”THAT BOY’S IN BAD SHAPE. HE SAID HE COULDN’T SEE ANY OF THEM ANIMALS, AND YOU AND I KNOW THE ROOM IS FULL OF THEM.”
49 ”What was the argument between you and your father-in-law, Nasrudin?” asked a friend.
”I didn’t mind, when he wore my hat, coat, shoes and suit, BUT WHEN HE SAT DOWN AT THE DINNER TABLE AND LAUGHED AT ME WITH MY OWN TEETH – THAT WAS TOO MUCH,” said Mulla Nasrudin.
50 The minister was congratulating Mulla Nasrudin on his 40th wedding anniversary. ”It requires a lot of patience, tolerance, and understanding to live with the same woman for 40 years,” he said.
”THANK YOU,” said Nasrudin, ”BUT SHE’S NOT THE SAMEWOMAN SHEWAS WHENWE WERE FIRST MARRIED.”
51 Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his little girl about being brave.
”But ain’t you afraid of cows and horses?” she asked.
”Of course not.” said the Mulla
”And ain’t you afraid of bees and thunder and lightening?” asked the child.
”Certainly not.” said the Mulla again.
”GEE, DADDY,” she said ”GUESS YOU AIN’T AFRAID OF NOTHING IN THE WORLD BUT MAMA.”
52 Mulla Nasrudin was scheduled to die in a gas chamber. On the morning of the day of his execution he was asked by the warden if there was anything special he would like for breakfast.
”YES,” said Nasrudin, ”MUSHROOMS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID TO EAT THEM FOR FEAR OF BEING POISONED.”